FOOTBALL IN THE NORTH AND THE SOUTH
North: Chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon; money isn’t necessary – that’s what dates/husbands are for, sugah.
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
North: Expect their daughters to understand Shakespeare.
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
North: Also a physics major.
South: Also Miss America. (ouch)
North: Five days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
South: Five months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put your name on a waiting list.
Getting to the Stadium
North: You ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in.
South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
North: An hour before game time, the university opens the campus for game parking.
South: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
South: Thirty-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
North: Drinks served in paper cups, filled to the top with soda.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team’s mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
North: Stands are less than half-full, and less than half the people stand up.
South: A hundred thousand fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
After the Game
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.
The Grits Guide to Life